Early Winters morning the grass of the rugby pitch covered in frost like a blanket, the frost acts like a protective layer from the noise and beating it is about to receive. Coaches huddle up like a colony of penguins in their large puffa jackets, making a plan on how to split up the field. Children start to arrive, spilling out of their warm cozy cars. Jack frost gives them a slap across the face, showing them who’s boss around here. Their warm breathes of air discharge from their mouths like steam from a kettle.
Parents and coaches give instructions on how to stay warm and keep their blood pumping. Young players start to run across the hard paddock sounding like a herd of cattle. Parents pull their children into their warm coats right before kick-off and Blow hot air onto their icicle hands. Supporters all layered up with beanies, gloves and jackets, thankful they don’t have to get out onto the pitch themselves.
The smell of coffee weaves its way through the crowd. Smells of flat whites make people think getting one might help warm their freezing hands making the line curl around the clubrooms. People watch from the line to make sure they don’t miss any important time in the game. Any cheer or shout fills the air. The sound of the men’s loud and deep shouts seem to make the crowd more excited.
Walking into the club room people rush towards the warmth of the log burner, pulling off gloves and beanies waiting for their hands to finally regain feeling. Looking out the windows lays the recently fallen snow on the tips of Mt Alta. Every now and then it winks to let everyone know it has the most snow. Referees blow their whistles for kickoff, bringing everyone back to the games and not worrying about the cold. Adrenaline surges through the bodies of the soon to be professionals. Feeling fragile but also fizzing because they might have the chance to score a try. Some kids with smiles from ear to ear others crying like a waterfall. Players receiving their ‘player of the day’ certificates.
The day starts to turn over in the pm and men start to arrive in their beefed-up utes and their number ones. Players all meet outside before heading into the changing sheds.
Inside the changing sheds, is a black massage table that lays in the centre. Rolls of tape and deep heat sit on top of the massage table getting ready to be used pre-game. 2 boxes of beer sit in the corner waiting for the end of the game. Above the massage table hangs a single light bulb that only sheds a wee bit of light. Bystanders start to gather around the edges of the pitch chatting to their long time friends. Flatbed trucks backed in surrounding the edges of the pitch. All ready to enjoy the game. The excitement from supporters fills the air as the ref blows his whistle. The two teams come storming out of the sheds shaking the ground like an earthquake. Splitting sounds of the whistle pierce the airs of the supporters.
Reserves sitting on the chairs waiting for their moment to put a big hit on. The bbq fires a spark and gets ready for the aftermatch to feed all the hungry players. The smell of the sausages and the veranda collide. Ready for a brew and a feed after the long hard battle on the field, the players rush to the changing room and activate the showers creating a steamy environment. They all get changed quickly making their way into the club room. Friendliness starts to arrive, and everyone is laughing and chatting about who did what. It all starts to die down as the day comes to an end.
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hey Rory,
Nice start! Keep building that scene, layer by layer.
A few things to think about:
– Make sure your verb form is correct. You are using the ‘continuous’ form when you actually need to be using the ‘simple’. You want to be writing in the present tense consistently. Check back over those notes on tense on the blog to refresh your knowledge on this.
– Check that each of your sentences makes sense. You have some which are incomplete and moments where you have used punctuation incorrectly.
– Maintain your ‘showing’. There are moments that are fantastic and well thought out and others that don’t fit with the rest of your piece. Find that balance between figurative and literal.
Mrs. P
Hi Rory,
You have made good progress since I last checked in on your piece.
During your final four periods of writing, I encourage you to think about:
– Try to avoid always beginning your sentence with the subject (the thing/person that the sentence is about). Vary your sentence starters so that the piece has better flow and each sentence leads into the one that follows.
– You need to think about paragraphs. At the moment, all of your ideas are sequenced in one big long stretch. You must identify the moments where a new paragraph is needed.
– There is a lot of ‘tell’ happening. As we discussed in class, let the verb you have selected show the reader what sense you are appealing to, rather than naming it (even with synonyms). Ensure you are appealing to a range of senses and using language devices such as personification and metaphor. Similes are fine but do not overload your work with them. They start to sound simple after several are delivered in close proximity.
Make sure you check back over all of the feedback during the editing stage.
Mrs. P